I have just finished my first draft of my horror script Static Screams. I am so proud and gave myself a pat on the back. It was originally a novel that I wrote, turned into a script. I have always wished for it to be a television series. I wanted to share a scene and I'd love your feedback? (this is...
Expand postI have just finished my first draft of my horror script Static Screams. I am so proud and gave myself a pat on the back. It was originally a novel that I wrote, turned into a script. I have always wished for it to be a television series. I wanted to share a scene and I'd love your feedback? (this is the last time I'll ask for feedback on here before I go onto my second draft!) :)
EUNJIN (V.O.)
The Jaemin we encountered all this time... had been an illusion. A holograph of the static.
Suddenly, Jaemin's original body, which had lain motionless on the floor, TWITCHES.
At first, it's subtle, almost imperceptible, but it quickly grows more pronounced.
The once-lifeless eyes begin to BLINK.
A shudder runs through the contorted form.
His face begins to soften.
Jaemin's eyes, which had previously stared blankly, now dart around with a flicker of consciousness.
His breaths, previously shallow and irregular, begin to deepen.
A low GROAN escapes his lips, a sound both disturbing and unsettling. His limbs, once bent at unnatural angles, begin to move with slow, jerky motion.
The grotesque, unnatural stillness gives way to a disturbing semblance of life.
Jaemin's fingers TWITCH. His body writhes on the floor as if awakening from a deep, nightmarish slumber.
His eyes, now filled with a flicker of recognition, scan the room with unsettling intensity. The flickering lights and deafening static seem to drive him into a heightened state of agitation.
Slowly, he pushes himself up, movements awkward and spasmodic. He struggles to his knees, face contorted in a grimace of pain and confusion.
The grotesque mask of death is replaced by a look of tortured determination. His eyes lock onto the chaotic scene around him, the freed prisoners, the frantic Eunjin, and the enraged televisions.
JAEMIN
(murmuring, panicked)
Wh-what's...?!
His eyes land on the stack of flickering televisions. He feels instant panic in his chest.
He's alive somehow. And free.
EUNJIN
(urgent)
No time to explain. Are you okay to stand?
Jaemin stutters and nods. He glances over to Haeri, who's coming to.
INT. THE VOID - MAIN CHAMBER - ESCAPE - CONTINUOUS
Jaemin's grip on Haeri's arm is surprisingly gentle as he helps her to her feet.
The frantic energy of the room is palpable. The distorted faces on the televisions continue to flash in a grotesque dance of rage and confusion.
Eunjin and the others are already moving, urgency in every step as they try to escape the chaos.
Haeri, still weak and disoriented, leans heavily on a weak Jaemin as he guides her toward the exit with Eunjin.
The freed prisoners, their strength returning as they move, follow close behind, eyes darting nervously around the room, running in different directions.
The televisions now seem to be spiralling into a state of violent disarray.
Screens flicker uncontrollably, images a blur of frantic static and distorted, screaming faces.
The noise escalates to a DEAFENING ROAR, each sound more jarring than the last, as if the electronics are feeding off the panic and chaos.
Jaemin glances over his shoulder as he runs, eyes darting around the room for any sign of pursuit or lurking danger.
That's when he spots MINA'S BODY sprawled on the floor, motionless among the wreckage of the cocooned victims.
The sight strikes him hard, jarring in its stark contrast to the chaos surrounding him. It's like everything went into low motion, like his heart had stopped beating.
Unlike the others, who had begun to stir and struggle against their bindings, Mina lies utterly still.
Her limbs are awkwardly splayed—an unnatural pose that seems to defy the life that once animated her.
Her face is unnaturally pale, eyes closed in an eerie calm that feels almost haunting.
There's no sign of life. She doesn't twitch or move even as turmoil erupts all around.
The harsh reality of her immobility serves as a chilling reminder of the cruelty and finality of the situation.
She hadn't survived, and that realization shatters him.
The urge to rush to his best friend, to ensure she isn't alone in this dark moment, wells up within him.
Jaemin's gaze lingers on Mina. A flicker of something, regret, perhaps, or a deeper, more profound recognition of loss crosses his face.
FLASHBACK - ONE YEAR AGO
TITLE CARD: "1 YEAR AGO"
INT. MINA'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - DAY
Mina's birthday. The apartment is filled with warmth and love.
MINA wanders into the kitchen. The delightful aroma of freshly baked treats greets her. Her eyes widen in surprise as she sees JAEMIN, CHAESOO, and HAERI bustling around.
Jaemin meticulously arranges a colorful spread of Mina's favorite snacks on the dining table: vibrant popcorn in every flavor, crispy nachos topped with melted cheese, spicy jalapeños, variety of dips, bowls of chocolate-covered pretzels and candy.
In the living room, HAERI transforms the space into a cozy movie haven. She drapes soft, plush blankets and cushions across the floor, creating a nest of comfort perfect for a movie marathon.
JAEMIN
(voice ringing with genuine enthusiasm)
Happy Birthday, Mina!
He steps into the room, holding a platter of assorted snacks, Haeri with a cake.
Chaesoo approaches with a beaming smile and a bouquet of colorful flowers.
CHAESOO
We thought you might enjoy a relaxing movie night with all your favorite treats. We've got everything set up just for you.
INT. MINA'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - LATER
The group settles into the cozy living room, sinking into the pile of blankets and cushions.
Mina's favorite movie is queued up on the projector. Jaemin hits play, dimming the lights to enhance the cinematic experience.
The soft HUM of the projector and flickering light from the screen create a perfect atmosphere.
Mina feels an overwhelming sense of contentment as she looks around at her friends.
The warmth of the room, the comforting presence of her closest friends, and the joy of indulging in her favorite snacks make the evening feel magical.
INT. MINA'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - LATER (AFTER MOVIE)
As the movie ends, the room is filled with soft hum of conversation and contentment.
Haeri and Chaesoo begin tidying up, stacking used plates, folding blankets, clearing away empty bowls.
Mina and Jaemin linger, enjoying the afterglow of the evening. When the credits roll, Mina turns to her friends with a heart full of gratitude.
Jaemin, feeling a surge of affectionate energy, turns to Mina with a mischievous smile.
JAEMIN
You know, no birthday is complete without a proper birthday song.
His eyes twinkle. Mina's face lights up with a mix of surprise and joy.
Before she can say anything, Jaemin gently pulls her into a warm, enveloping hug, his long arms wrapping around her in a tight, reassuring embrace.
Mina can feel the warmth of his body and the sincerity of his gesture.
JAEMIN (CONT'D)
Let's give you a proper birthday serenade.
With that, Jaemin begins to SING, his voice rich and melodious, filling the room with the familiar tune.
His singing is heartfelt and slightly off-key, but it only adds to the charm of the moment.
(singing)
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Mina, happy birthday to you!
Jaemin pulls back slightly but keeps his hands on her shoulders, looking into her eyes with a warm, affectionate gaze.
JAEMIN (CONT'D)
(with a grin)
There we go. That's how we do birthdays around here.
In a swift, playful motion, Jaemin dips his finger into the cake and gathers a tiny bit.
Mina's LAUGHTER fills the air, oblivious to the surprise about to come. Jaemin leans closer, finger poised with the precious bit of cake. Without a word, he gently smears the cake right into Mina's mouth.
Mina's eyes widen in shock as the cake touches her lips.
For a split second, she's frozen, then her surprise melts into pure, unfiltered LAUGHTER.
Jaemin CHUCKLES along with her, holding her a bit tighter as she giggles uncontrollably.
END FLASHBACK
BACK TO PRESENT
INT. THE VOID - MAIN CHAMBER - CONTINUOUS
The underground static room is a chaotic whirlwind, its once-humming silence shattered by frantic bustle of activity. The walls, lined with pulsating lights, flicker erratically, casting eerie shadows that dance across faces of those caught in the pandemonium.
JAEMIN
(voice strained, barely cutting through cacophony)
Go, I'll be right back.
He watches as EUNJIN guides HAERI away from the turmoil. Each step they take seems like a small victory in a sea of chaos.
Jaemin's heart aches with the weight of the task he's about to face.
As he turns back, the scene before him is a cruel juxtaposition to the frantic energy surrounding him.
MINA lies half out of her cocoon, body sprawled unnaturally on the ground.
The once-vibrant sheen of her skin is now a ghostly pallor under the harsh, flickering lights.
Her eyes, normally so expressive and full of life, are closed in an unsettling stillness, lips slightly parted as if caught in an eternal, unfinished breath.
JAEMIN (CONT'D)
(desperate)
No, no, no.
Jaemin's heart pounds in his chest as he kneels beside her.
The ground beneath him is cold and unforgiving, the grime of the room sticking to his knees.
His hands tremble uncontrollably as he gently places them on Mina's chest, feeling for a sign of life amidst the suffocating silence. His tears, which have already begun to streak down his face, mix with sweat and dust from the chaotic room, blurring his vision and adding to his sense of helplessness.
JAEMIN (CONT'D)
(whisper, fragile plea)
Come on, Mina. Please, you have to fight. You can't leave me now.
He begins CHEST COMPRESSIONS, each movement a desperate, rhythmic attempt to revive her.
The pressure he applies seems to resonate with the pounding of his own heart, each push a bitter reminder of his fear and desperation.
The minutes feel like an eternity, each second stretching painfully as he works, his hands slick with the mix of sweat and tears.
He remembers late-night conversations with Mina, the shared laughter that had once filled their lives with joy, and the quiet, supportive presence she had always been.
JAEMIN (CONT'D)
(voice cracking, fighting despair)
Please. You can't leave us. You can't leave me. I need you.
Despite his desperate attempts, Mina remains unresponsive.
Jaemin's hope begins to wither, his heart sinking under the unbearable weight of despair. Jaemin's SOBS grow more intense, each breath hitching with raw, unfiltered pain.
