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GREAT UNCLE CHARLIE'S GOLD WATCH
By John Stone
A chance encounter brings a gift that keeps on giving.
SYNOPSIS:
When a Knowledge student cab driver is sent to pick up miserable old Charlie and take him to the working men's club, he discovers that they are related. This causes so much excitement in Charlie that he suffers a coronary, but not before he gives his new found great nephew his watch as a keepsake. However, what follows is a montage of events as Oliver; the benefactor struggles to keep hold of it?
GREAT UNCLE CHARLIE'S GOLD WATCH
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The logline feels partial. What happens next? Where's the drama?
Liron thanks for your rating and comments. I have updated the logline. I hope it works better for you
Hey John, still unclear... It sounds very mysterious and literary, yes, but it doesn't tell us anything about the plot or stakes.
Whose death is it? The taxi driver’s or the protege's?
And “newly found protege” sounds like the guy suddenly decided to mentor someone five minutes before dying.
Could this be the story you meant to tell?
"A retired taxi driver gives his young protégé a mysterious gold watch shortly before his death — but the gift carries a dark secret that puts the new owner’s life in danger."
OK. so, it is a TV drama that was written to express a certain voice, rather than an actual plot. I truly value your opinion. The watch itself holds no mystery, except that its benefactor struggles to hang on to it as a family heirloom. I'll try and work something out based upon that scenario.
"A gold watch holds no mystery, except that its benefactor struggles to hang onto it as a family heirloom, after he meets the great uncle he never knew existed." Is this any better?
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