Post your loglines. Get and give feedback.
SYNOPSIS:
The pilot opens in 1990 Reno, Nevada, where we meet 13-year-old Madeline "Maddy" Ivers, a scared teenager running away from something. She encounters Howard Sawicki, a former police officer, who offers her a ride when she's clearly in distress. She hesitates, but after approaching headlights frighten her, Maddy accepts his help. Howard takes her to his farmhouse, where she reveals she's running from her foster home and was supposed to meet her foster brother at the train station, but he never showed. Howard offers her shelter and suggests they discuss her situation in the morning. Jump ten years to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where Maddy is now living under the name Lucy Sawicki (age 23). She works as a policy typist at Quality Title, where her boss, Mark Dailey, shows an inappropriate interest in her. Lucy plans to attend an Irish festival with her friend Shelby from Pro Mortgage, despite having plans for happy hour with coworkers. At the Milwaukee Irish Festival, Lucy becomes entranced by a Celtic rock band called County Hinterland, particularly their didgeridoo player, Jax Black. She meets Trevor, the band's road manager, who invites her to their next show in Madison. During the performance, Lucy experiences flashbacks to her traumatic childhood in Reno, where she witnessed violent fights between adults. The next day, Lucy receives a call from Detective Barbra Gold about Mark Dailey's death. Lucy lies about being in Ohio visiting family and promises to come in for questioning the next day. Meanwhile, we learn that Lucy had been avoiding calls and texts from Mark before his death. The story reveals that Lucy has a dark past connected to an organization called "the Channel" in Reno, led by Stella Allbright. Malcolm, someone from Lucy's past, tracks her down in Madison and confronts her. Through their interaction, we learn that Lucy was involved with the Channel's trafficking of children when she was only thirteen. Malcolm reveals that he witnessed Mark's death - Lucy had apparently pushed him in self-defense after he attacked her, causing him to hit his head. She has no memory of this at all because Mark had drugged her and taken her to his secret lair. As Lucy tries to escape both her past and the investigation into Mark's death, she breaks her phone and boards a train to Reno to warn Howard, who raised her after she ran away as a teenager – that the Channel was after her and would confront him to find her. However, when she arrives at Howard's farm, they are surprised by unknown assailants. Howard helps Lucy escape through a hidden door, giving her his truck keys and telling her to flee. Meanwhile, the investigation in Milwaukee reveals that Mark's wife Jessica was involved in his death, having poisoned him with Tetrahydrozoline. Malcolm, who’s been having an affair with Jessica, is arrested but mysteriously released by Special Agent Sechny, who turns out to be working with the Channel. The pilot ends with Lucy working as a roadie for County Hinterland, having taken Trevor up on his job offer. She receives a call from Howard, who has survived an attack but is hospitalized. He warns her that if he could track her down, so can the Channel, and suggests they work together to bring down the organization.
Rated this logline
Rated this logline
Aw thanks Matthew Parvin ! I just decided to write this on the treadmill earlier today - It's so exciting when the inspiration hits!
Rated this logline
1 person likes this
sounds interesting, but your logline is too long. Try to condense it a little.
Rated this logline
Rated this logline
Thanks Tristan Hutchinson ! I appreciate the feedback. Usually people rate without explanation. That's helpful!
1 person likes this
Thanks Kevin Johnson Tasha Lewis Stephen Campbell - I appreciate the feedback!
1 person likes this
Your welcome Lisa Marie.
Nate Rymer Kevin Johnson Tristan Hutchinson Tasha Lewis Matthew Parvin Stephen Campbell - I just updated the logline and added a synopsis. Would love if you could take another look, and not only rate - but offer feedback and guidance if you have time. Thanks so much!
1 person likes this
Lisa Marie A lot happening in the three acts. Read it out loud a few times to see how smooth the transition from each act is. Try to ensure that the character changes are smoother and not confusing. You may need to adjust it grammatically and then realign it.
Example
My method of communication is to work on subject verb agreement and complete line editing and copy editing at a different pace.
Versus
My method of communication is to work on subject verb agreement.
Complete line editing and copy editing at a different pace.
Shorter but clearer.
I hope that helps.
I think I understand - and edited again. Thanks so much Tasha Lewis !
1 person likes this
Excellent! I hope you didn’t mind me wearing my Professor hat today. Lisa Marie. Happy to serve!
Tasha Lewis never! That’s what we’re here for right? To help each other. I’m very grateful!
1 person likes this
Logline is much better.
Thanks Tristan Hutchinson - I just changed it again!
Rated this logline
Rated this logline
Thank you Ishta!
Rated this logline
Rated this logline
Rated this logline
Rated this logline