Loser gets eaten alive to prove he's a real man and win the girl.

SYNOPSIS:

Richard Payne is a plumber. He dreams of being just like his friend, Thomas. That, and becoming a bug scientist, but mainly he wants to be like Thomas. For a start people call Thomas, Thomas, not Tom, and Richard would really like it if people took him seriously enough to call him Richard, not Dick. But since he was a kid ‘Dick Pain' has followed him around as a tired joke.

Thomas is a dentist. He’s also quite perfect. Great athlete, good looking, amusing to

the ladies and perfectly full of himself - your Sam Malone type - tall, wide, and

immensely shallow.

His assistant is Mona. She’s sexy, cheapish, but a lot more 'real' than Thomas. For a

while they had a sexual thing going but Mona soon woke up - Thomas really only

loves Thomas. The difficulty for Mona being that she also has to contend with

Thomas’ friend, Dick - he’s fallen madly in love with her and keeps making

appointments to see Thomas, even though she knows it is only to see her. But nothing

she can say will deter him, and besides, Dick and Thomas have a deal going: Thomas

fixes Dick’s rotten teeth, while Dick fixes Thomas’ rotten pipes.

What really spoils it is this: Dick doesn’t know quite how to go about impressing a

girl, or for that matter anyone. Self-improvement courses and assertiveness training

usually improve people, but in his case it just makes him more annoying. People

can die from his tasteless humor, police cars go missing, wild horses chase him, and

a visit to the beach can be life-threatening to others. Dick, although a born loser,

really just wants what everyone else wants: to be liked and admired. But unlike others he is completely nonplussed as to how to go about it.

We do, however, get an insight into Dick's true character. It’s not only a revelation to

us, but a big surprise to Dick. While on outback safari in a remote national park, a

deadly situation arises. When it is time to separate the men from the boys, Dick is

standing tall, but the men in the party, including Thomas, are not. Dick also

accomplishes the impossible: in true ‘Crocodile Dundee’ fashion he 'returns' from the

dead, and to Mona, after being eaten by a crocodile.

At stories end Mona is seeing Dick off outside the School of Entomology. Dick

doesn’t want to be like Thomas anymore. Dick has found his true self. He is going to

become a bug scientist; a Doctor, even. At last, Dick Pain has departed, and Richard

Payne has arrived. He even thinks it’s quite funny now if you call him Dick.

DICK PAYNE