THE STAGE 32 LOGLINES
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By Martyn Wells
SYNOPSIS:
Following a car crash, a young woman hauls her critically injured boyfriend to a nearby outlying motorway diner occupied by various waif & stray strangers only to find that its location doesn’t appear on any maps to direct the emergency services to. With few options, she decides to stay but soon discovers that amongst the strangers, is an occultist who intends to use the unlisted location for his death in an attempt to create a portal to hell.
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1 person likes this
I really like the poster, Martyn Wells, especially the storm and the missing sign letters. I think the logline has too many details (it reads more like a synopsis), and I can't really tell what the story is about.
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Rated this logline
1 person likes this
Thanks Maurice Vaughan glad you like the poster concept. You’re right, I’ve posted a synopsis and not the logline
1 person likes this
You're welcome, Martyn Wells. The logline is better, but it's missing the story goal and stakes. Here’s a logline template that can help:
“After ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (the protagonist with an adjective) tries to _______ (goal of story) so ________ (stakes).”
Or you can put the inciting incident at the end of the logline. Some stories need two sentences for their loglines. Hope this helps.
2 people like this
Thanks Maurice Vaughan I’ll have another go that includes the story goal. Your feedback has been most helpful, thank you :)
2 people like this
No problem, Martyn Wells. Glad to help.
2 people like this
Hey Maurice Vaughan I’ve had another go editing it using the template. Let me know what you think…
Rated this logline
Rated this logline
1 person likes this
The logline is better, Martyn Wells, but I think it still needs some work.
#1) "When a car crash abandons a couple outside an outlying motorway diner..." I know what you're trying to say because I read your old logline, but I think that part will be confusing to people who read your logline for the first time.
#2) "...a young woman must reach..." Avoid using “must” in loglines because “must” sounds like the main character is forced to do whatever the goal of the story is (instead of the main character doing it willingly), and “must” doesn’t sound active. Audrey Knox (a TV literary manager) also said this during a logline review webinar on Stage 32 (https://www.stage32.com/webinars/The-Write-Now-Challenge-The-Logline-Rev...). Instead of using “must,” use “attempts to,” “fights to,” “struggles to,” “strives to,” “sets out to,” “fights,” “battles,” “engages in,” “participates,” “competes,” etc.
#3) The second part of the logline is long and will make a reader winded. I suggest either rewriting the second part or trying a two-sentence logline.