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A TWISTED VENGEANCE; NEGLIGENT RETRIBUTION
By Ray Ghasemi
SYNOPSIS:
A TWISTED VENGEANCE, follows the harrowing ordeal of a mother after she is falsely accused of kidnapping by someone she trusted. During her unjust imprisonment, she undergoes emotional, psychological, and non-stop physical struggles to maintain her sanity and protect her child from the consequences of her imprisonment, as she embarks on a journey to uncover the truth and seek justice. Along the way, dark secrets are revealed and she encounters shocking revelations that challenge her beliefs and force her to walk the fine line between revenge and redemption .
A TWISTED VENGEANCE; NEGLIGENT RETRIBUTION
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Much appreciated!
Hey mate! Took a quick look at your script and as a way of saying thank you for joining my network, I dropped in a critique. Hope you don't mind.
IMHO: you should consider a rewrite to drop the exposition. There's a lot of Telling not Showing.
You have to squeeze the hell out of every line.
Character physical descriptions should be just one sentence or less.
Paragraphs no longer than 3 sentences.
BOB DRAKE, former businessman in his mid-fifties with dark
and stormy eyes and an aggressive nature, are in the middle
of an argument.
How would we know he was a former business man?
Why tell us of his nature?
Dark and Stormy eyes? Isn't a Dark & Stormy a drink? But seriously, how do you film that? How does it add to the plot and drive the story?
Why even mention an argument before you show it?
The dialog on page 1 is a lot of "As you know, Bob"
Here's your opening but cut down almost in half from the original 97 words.
DR. ELIANA "ELLIE" BIANCHI (70s), silver hair styled in a perfect up-do, shrinks against the wall, holding up her hands to shield her face as
BOB DRAKE (50s) disheveled with bloodshot eyes grabs the ashes of her husband off of the mantle and hurls it. He grins and stumbles to toward her.
ELLIE
I can see why Claire has a restraining order against
you! How did you get in here?
BOB
Locks only keep out honest people.
What should follow here is Ellie using her training as a psychologist to try to talk him down. I feel that you really miss an opportunity by not doing that and instead going with an info-dump disguised as an argument.
would a career psychologist say this? Making accusations and escalating things?
It's not about taking sides. Bob,
you need help. This is not normal
behavior. You have trouble seeing
reality and admitting the truth.
You blame others when in fact, you
are the problem. Now you should
leave.
IMHO you could have begun with a high stakes chess match and instead you decided on a shoving match.
HTH.
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