An elderly man whose life has been a long series of bad luck and humiliations blackmails a popular & connected college student into teaching him how to embrace modern indulgence and finally sow his wild oats – just like everybody else has been doing these last 60 goddamn years!

SYNOPSIS:

Screencraft Comedy Quarter-Finalist! Stage 32 Comedy Quarter-Finalist!

The world's oldest virgin has just decided he's mad as hell and can't take it anymore. Stuart Bideroff, 79-year-old college professor, is on a quest to obtain some elusive carnal knowledge. His story begins with a 15-minute Marvel Studios-style origin sequence that shows us how he became such a miserable old bastard, mocked even by his own family. Stu is a living magnet for bad luck: Nine years in the Vietnam War because of a clerical error; a 50-plus year marriage to his old high school sweetheart who never stopped refusing to have sex with him… And that just scratches the surface!

Unable to divorce this treacherous charwoman because of some misguided old-fashioned notion of loyalty and fidelity, Stu buries himself in his career as a Professor of History at the University of Berkeley. And so, the years slowly pass...

But then Stu’s frigid sea-harpy of a wife finally dies, and his moron doctor at the V.A. Hospital misdiagnoses him with a gruesome terminal illness. And in the bitter twilight of his luckless life, Stu ultimately realizes he is a sexless elderly monster who has never experienced true pleasure. This is not fair, because for the past fifty goddamn years, everybody in America except for him has gotten to engage in depraved and hedonistic behavior!

Stu’s aged mind finally snaps, and he is overwhelmed with crazed regret for life’s squandered opportunities. He wants sorority girls and big-titted women. He wants well-trimmed modern pussy, dripping in excitement for his eager penis. He wants drugs and booze, and to shoot out car windows with stolen guns. He wants to go to rave parties and get ripped to the gills on liquor, molly, and nose-candy. Stu doesn’t have much time, and only wishes to experience every youthful pleasure he can squeeze into his wrinkled and dying 79-year-old body.

In this mad quest for sex and debauchery, Stu blackmails one of his students: Tristan Ogilvie, a handsome silver-spoon-fed rich boy, known throughout campus as the Master Cocksman of Berkeley. Stu forces this entitled son of a high-ranking U.S. Senator to train him in the ways of not only seduction, but also how to party like a monster with hard drugs and alcohol.

Along the way, Stu and Tristan of course become buddies. But will Stuart break through social barriers and a long-ingrained shyness to release the pressure and finally lose his dong-hymen? And can an elderly mind and body even withstand such a depraved crash course in post counter-culture American hedonism?