A terrorist cell, a crime syndicate advance team and a crew of Somalian pirates (who are actually lads from Croydon) battle each other to steal a secret gold shipment aboard the world’s largest luxury liner full of international stars and an incompetent security team. It’s "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" on the high seas.

SYNOPSIS:

The SS World Peace is on a cruise from London to New York promoting world peace. Packed with stars like Sting, Buono and the Edge. It’s also packed with a huge, secret shipment of gold. But it’s being guarded by an inadequately small security team led by an incompetent political appointee (MALCOM BOYLE). His lieutenant, CHRIS STERLING (young, former SAS officer) does his best to keep things running smoothly despite Boyle’s bumbling interference. Unknown to either is there are two gangs aboard that want the gold. One is an advance team from a powerful UK crime syndicate (“The Organization”) disguised as a theater troupe. Led by failed actors Tom and Penelope Pinter, their job is to scope out the liner’s security systems and open the cargo bay doors when their partners the “Somalian Pirates” (lads from Croydon in disguise) arrive on New Year’s Eve to execute the heist. Also aboard are TIM PEARSE and MIKE CLARKE, members of the splinter Genuine Irish Republican Army. Their mission is to sink the liner and the gold, aided by the ship’s purser, a mole (SAMANTHA DUGDALE). Tim convinces Mike and Sam to steal the gold, not sink it. But how? Their job is made easier by the liner’s captain, WILLIAM BLITHE, Boyle’s cousin who refuses the advice of his First Office (GUINEVERE SMITH, a descendant of the Titanic’s captain) to enlist the aid of the liner’s security team and crew. Blithe’s ex-Royal Navy, running the liner like a frigate.

As New year’s Eve nears, Tim discovers the Pinters’ plan to hoist the gold and blackmails them into helping him in return for his technical expertise. Tim’s a computer genius who can disable every security feature of the liner. Sterling and Smith form a partnership to protect the gold and eventually ID both the terrorist cell and the Syndicate team. But their task is made difficult by the HOME SECRETARY (Sir Harry), who has an agenda of his own. It comes to a head on New Year’s Eve when the Pinters and their troupe give a performance designed to distract the guests, crew and security team. Sterling lays out the plans of the terrorists and the Pinters to Boyle and the Home Secretary and finds himself under arrest. Sir Harry and Boyle want an attempt on the gold. Successfully thwarted at the last moment, they’ll look like heroes, setting Boyle up for a cushy job and Sir Harry for a run at the party leadership and the Prime Ministership.

But they haven’t counted on Tim’s technological prowess. As the pirate crew docks, he hacks into the security systems, blowing open the cargo bay doors and imprisoning Boyle and the Security Team in their control center. Now it’s a battle between the pirates, the Pinters (who have their own boat waiting by a service bay) and the terrorists to get the two containers holding the gold onto forklifts and to their respective vessels. Sterling (freed by the security system disablement) and Smith stand in their way. Boyle’s team finally breaks out of the control center. Just on time to see Sterling rescue one of gold containers and head for the stern. Mike, Tim and Dugdale have the other container and unload it into the Pirate getaway boat. But as they pull away, the Security Team opens fire, igniting fuel drums on the pirate boat’s deck. It goes up in flames, sinking the container to the bottom. Mike, Tim and Dugdale survive and are apprehended. Sir Harry is appalled.

“We’ve lost half the gold!” Maybe not, says Boyle. One container was a dummy full of lead bars. The other had the shipment. With luck, Sterling and Smith have the real container safe. “And where are Sterling and Smith?” Aboard the captain’s own launch, Sterling, his arm around Smith, steers the gold towards the Canary Islands where no one will find them. In the stern, the Pinters and their troupe. In the distance, they see fireworks blaze above the SS World Peace. “Happy New Year, darling,” says Sterling to Smith. Smith kisses Sterling. “I told you New Year’s Eve would be a night to remember…”

LOVE OVER GOLD