THE STAGE 32 LOGLINES
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STAR FURY
By Gene Salvitti
SYNOPSIS:
Zorn and Xavier Peterson, inseparable brothers, are thrust into the maelstrom of the Bermuda Triangle. Their plane is damaged and in their haste to escape, they are swept through the Bermuda Triangle's dimension door. Zorn, grievously wounded in the escape, vows revenge against his brother when a dark, mysterious creature wipes Zorn's memories and implants false ones. The evil, dark stranger encases Zorn's wounded body within a blood red cybernetic frame. Thus renewed, Zorn sends assassins to kill his brother and his brother's family.
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Rated this logline
Rated this logline
I'd trim and switch the order of words to punch it to the reader. You've got some good fear words here: fatal, deadly, enemies. All that's needed is make the line from A to B. In other words, simplify. Such as: A fatal plane crash in the Bermuda Triangle turns two inseparable brothers into deadly enemies.
Rated this logline
After reading the synopsis, I would modify the logline JUST a bit. The logline left me excited to see it as I assumed the two were going to become enemies out of desperation and competing for survival. The logline alone doesn't hint towards any unearthly aspect.... WHICH may be a draw for people that enjoy that type of film.
Rated this logline
I agree with James. I might suggest also adding a hint as to why they become enemies. Up the conflict slightly.