Hi Debra. This is logline is far longer than it needs to be. I would urge you to pare this back into a more succinct sentence (ideally) or two. The lack of brevity should be evident as it seems you weren't able to fit in all of what you had.

If you'd like some free help with your logline, then by all means message me directly and I'll be happy to shed some light on this tricky marketing tool.

My best,

Phil