Dumb and Dumber -yet even Dumber with Maga Hats

SYNOPSIS:

1st draft for opening scene

rONNIE friends call me hefty DUMP HELPN MAKE MERICA GRATE GIN

Ronald Hefty Dump(bastard son of Prez) who's life mission is to help win back his fathers love by Helpin Make Me Rica Grate GIN and traveling across country with 3 friends and 2 dogs who talk to---

Ext. Just before sunrise Birds chirping outside of double wide trailer!Raccoons climbing fences!

Int.of Double wide Trailer

Ronnie sleeping in bed a Jack Russell and a Shitzsue are on the couch! The shitzue has the remote control. Changes to CNN

SHITSUE

Look at these stupid people wearing those ugly hats! Why they so mad all the time!Build a wall,Lock her up! What the fuck does that even mean?

Sparky(JR)

It means our boy Ronnie and his folks done did a few too much inbreedin!

Shitsue

Dear Lord what the fuck! What is on that Orange mans head?

Sparky(JR)

It's called a toupee!It kinda looks like he hired your cousin and attached it to his head!

SHITSUE

Why you inbreed irish piece a shit!

Shitsue Lunges at Sparky and they begin brawling! The dogs end up jumping up on Ronnie's bed, knocking over the bottle of whiskey by Ronnies head! The phone rings!Skinny white man in his early 20's wakes up in a jolt! Dogs continue brawling! Phone rings!Clock strikes 3am!

ronnie

Hell-Hello-MUM! WTF any idea what time it is? What, yeah me flatmates got the tv on!WHY? Oh Yeah Stupid racist Prez trying to build a wall headline reads!

Noise from the outside make the dogs stop brawling and run out the dog door into the yard! Flood lights turn on!

ronnie

What you barking at? Fn raccoons again! Mum got me real problems! Raccoons keep comin in! Stealin my shit!You want to talk about a wall! I need a fn wall Mum! What the Prez is what?

mum

Ronnie some things i never tol ya! Your Da he ain't who you thought he was!I gots to tell ya the truth son before i reach the heavens!

ronnie

Mum its 3 fn AM! I gotz me real problems mum! Fn Raccoons stealin my weed! You callin me at 3am drunk off your azz wantin to tell me who me real mic dad is?

mum

He ain't Irish son! He German!It's the Prez Ronnie! You gotz the Prez blood runnin through your brain! He trying to build a wall Ronnie to keep my family side out of our USofA!

ronnie

WTF?

mum

If he builds that wall Ronnie i won't be able to come back and visit ya!

ronnie

So a wall might stop ya from callin me at 3am drunk as a skunk tellin me my da is the Prez! The crazy man who wakes up just like you at 3am tweetng mean shit about everyone! Now i can see you two were a perfect match! A wall can keep me away from all this shit?

mum

I gotz lotz to tell ya son!

Dogs really barking loud trashcans knocked over!

ronnie

Another time mum-sober the fuck up!

ronnie

Fn get them racoons boys! They stealin our shit! FN rodents! They ain't sending their best! They thieves robbers!

Same time Ronnie is saying this Pres is saying same on TV

Prez

Gonna build a wall! A great wall! Best wall ever! Mexico will be payin, i guarantee it! We can't keep allowing these people to come here and steal and bring drugs into our country! They are not sending their best! They are taking your jobs away folks! They are stopping us from being Great and i made these here hats for sale on our website MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

ronnie

HMM!Make Me Rica GrateGin! Wonder when did we stop being great! Oh i getz it pop, i hear we stopped being grate once we lected that black President right folks? That's what your saying isn't it Da? Well hell-Seems i gotz me a vested int rest here! Me Ronnie (friends call me hefty) Drump! I gonna win back me daddy's love by>Helpn make MeRica Grate GIN!

Daylight breaks dogs passed out on couch whisky bottle between them. Ronnie grabs some coffee opens the trailer door! Raccoons on the door step with his family and other raccoons tearing up Ronnie's garden!

ronnie(grabs his gun)

What the fuck! You mother fuckers.

Ronnie starts shooting!Laughter from the raccoons is heard as they scatter!Ronnie quits shooting and grabs his cell phone!

Hey Jesus it's me Ronnie!

jesus Christoff

Dude you think you can fn wait to shoot your sawedoff until after lunch?

ronnie

Fuck N raccoons again!They stealing our shit Jesus! You gotz to come over here and help me!

jesus

What? it isnt even 7am Ronnie.Wake up your flatmates Mate then call me in a few!

ronnie

You do realize what you are asking me to do? You try and wake up former IRA member and Chinese royalty sharing hangovers?

jesus

I worry about you! You need to call Elizabeth and apologize! Win her back! Quit whining and stop drinking so much! You actually believe your dogs talk to you and they drink your whiskey! I am tellin you Ronnie those mates be gay!

ronnie

Course they happy i take care of them! Shit Jesus you giving me bad time sayin my dogs talk-THEY DO! You named for the man who ask all of us to believe in shit that someone died and 3 days later lives again! Now who crazy!

jesus

They gay bro and the talk to ya?

ronnie

So they gay! They can hear ya mate! They explicitly told me "what happens in the double wide stays in the double wide" AND I FN BELIEVE THEM!

jesus

Really?

ronnie

I fn believe Em-THEY FN CRAZY!

jesus

Why did you call me again?

ronnie

We gonna build a wall-A grate wall-Best wall ever!Well finances yeah how about a fence! You're right our funds low! A big fence the best fence ever! we can't have these RaCOONS come in here and steal our shit!

jesus

You sounding like the Prez bro!

ronnie

Ooh shit ..Just get over here i got sum shit to tell ya! Just get over here if you want to have a harvest! We need to build a wall-shit i mean a fence!

Sparky(JR)

What's wrong mate? What's all the yellin about?

SHITSUE

Honorable mate- it's too early in the AM for that kind of racket! I have spoken to you in the past about your anger issues, and you are starting to piss me off!

ronnie

Hey mates if ya done you gotz a job to do! Get out there and chase those fn raccoons off our Flat!

SHITSUE

That is Sparky's job mate! You know i don't chase anything, it is to be served to me!

Sparky(JR)

Aaah fuck ya mate

ronnie(grabs his gun)

I be tired of this infighting flatmates! See once in awhile you both kinda scare me but u forgets sometimes boys i gotz the gun and u gotz tail so get that fuckin tail goin toward them bastard coons keep them no good drug stealin bastards takin out of our profits!

SHITSUE

Hefty- u said we can call you hefty right! Just a point of emphasis MIND YA DRUNK FN MIC and all Kind Sir!I chase NO T 1 THING sir! Contract u SIGNED u and That fn angry Jack Russell MIC! Says here u both signed for me and my crown achievements!You asking ROYALTY TO sleep here u better Shut the fuck up and tell no one NO 1 What happens in this piece a shit double wide i sleep in!You both gotz IT MIC FUCKS!

Sparky(JR)

Let me atz his azz i will fuck him up!

SHITSUE

Remind ya sir or the video evidence where you agree to

Sparky(JR)

Nope no problems here! Don't worry mate Hefty we gotz this shit settled! Bitch be me Raccoons my problem! What happens in the 2bld wide stays here and

SHITSUE

Nother Mic Swallows!

ronnie

That is just fucked up Shitsue! That is fn messed up!

SHITSUE

Contracts be contracted! Think of your signatures as a venarial disease!You stuck your signature on something and you can't pull it back without a hell of a lot pain!

ronnie

Alright Sparky you agreed you stuck your thing in that paper!

Shitsue

My kind sir- It seems Jesus is upon the doorstep! It is time you pull your shit together!

Jesus knocks on the door and Sparky goes leaping out the dog door barking full of anger!

jesus

Hey you stupid mic! Open the door and you best have some breakfast burrito's for me since you woke me up from a deep sleep!

SHITSUE(jumping on bed to sleep)

What happens in the doublewide stays GOT IT ? Take your boyfriend elsewhere kind sir!

ronnie

Yeah i got it! Hey Jesus let me buy ya some breakfast at Mcdonalds!

jesus

Thought you said we having financial problems!

ronnie

Fn shit sue throwing us out!

jesus

You can't be serious!

ronnie

Said me and you like a venarial disease!

jesus

WTf!

ronnie

Fn Sparky has to do all the work while that fn piece a shit dictates!

shitsue(Peeing on pillows)

So you think i dictate here dictate this!

Ronnie and Jesus hop into the beat up VW van!

jesus

So what is so important that you called me and what the fuck is this so called next venture you got for us!

ronnie

Momma told me some shit and i gotz some shit to tell you!

jesus

You gonna be a chicken shit and go through the drive through or you gonna go and fight and get Elizabeth back?

ronnie

What day is this?

jesus

06/09/

ronnie

Holy shit it's her birthday bro! Jesus bible says you make wine from water! WTF it is my Elly's birthday today!

jesus

How much you wanna borrow?

Ronnie

You want us to get back together?

jesus

I want you to quit telling our connections your fn dogs talk!

ronnie

They do!

jesus

Ok stop off at Bev and More maybe we can buy you the insane package and get 2 for 1 bottles of Moet Chandon White Star!

ronnie

Thanks bro you really do pull wine out of water!

jesus

No Ronnie i pull dollars out of my ass and you owe me big time the end of this season!

ronnie

Thanks Jesus! Speaking of that!

They pull into Bev and More and jump out of VW! Sade By your side is playing on cd player they leave the van on!

jesus

Hey Juanita whats up girl?

Employee rolls her eyes says nothing!

ronnie

Dude don't you get it she don't like us?

jesus

Man can dream can't he!

ronnie

Just pull out the cash and pay her!

jesus

Lots more where that comes from honey~

ronnie

Thanks Juanita sorry about Jesus he thinks because he can walk on water and turn water into wine he can get anyone he wants!

jesus

Dude that is fucked up at least i don't go around telling people my dogs talk!

Juanita Perez

My dogs talk but they can't make whine out of water! Yet they do whine alot!

ronnie

Oh my God she speaks!

jesus

I knew it you do like me!

Juanita

Yeah u are kinda cute but all the girls say you and Hefty be GAY!

ronnie(grabs his gun)

WTF

jesus

Put that shit away bro

Juanita

Damn Hefty just put that shit back you trying to go to jail?

ronnie

Just the opposite

jesus

We gotz to go girl but can i pick you up after work and take you to a bBQ so you can see Me and hEFTY Not gay but old bros from preschool!

Juanita

4pm i get off! I want lechon or like Hefty knows a fn pig! If not Steak and or hamburgers! Plus if his dogs don't talk to me i will never ever go out with you again Jesus! You hear me!?

jesus

OH Ronnie- This is all time pressure i gots the bills for the BBQ but u sure your dogs will talk to her!

Juanita

Oh one more thing Ronnie- Elizabeth has to be there! If not i ain't going!

jesus

Ok Juanita we gotz this we do! 1 last thing honey! Your brothers-they ok with this?

Juanita

Who do you think the Lechons for idiot?

ronnie

You ain't given us nough time woman to roast that fn pig underground for days!

jesus

Don't worry Ronnie- I gotz this bill! I gots this!

Juanita

4pm you get me you pick up my brothers and you pull lechon out of your bbq ass and make water into wine! You make Hefty's dogs talk to me and you think you will pull this shit off?

jesus

I wasn't named for the miracle worker for not n bitch! 4 pm be ready call your brothers Cuervo 1-800 i got this bitch, can't really make wine out of whines but maYBE hefty's gay dogs can help!

Juanita

Hey wait if Elizabeth ain't there then i am not there!

jesus(slaps Hefty)

Hefty?

ronnie

She will be there!

(C) by Richard Howe for RichCaburnayDesigns 06/11/2019