This is a Short Script (25 pgs)

Jeremy -- you can do a lot more with a story like this. right now, it's kind of soft and the ending is flat. first -- Quincy is dotted throughout. looks like you changed his name and then didn't even bother to reread the script before you uploaded it. you can't be lazy like that. p. 21 Idle should be Idol Suggestions: Interviews -- way too generic. what kind of job is he seeking? and you can't "start" and interview and "finish" it in one minute of screen time. you need to start the interview midway. cut out the secretary** bit. she's not necessary. One way to spruce up the interviewers is by giving them a personality. ie -- maybe one guy can't believe that an athlete... especially a black athlete has a brain, skill, or talent anywhere but on the field. This is better than he saying he played football too much and didn't study hard enough. ie -- maybe during one interview all he can talk about is that he has a baby coming on the way. he's so desperate that he sounds like he's begging for the job. **on that secretary -- if you want to keep her then make her have some significance. ie -- she gives his resume to her boss. he's impressed and can't wait to meet this fine young man. then when he comes in and she sees that he's black (she should be black too and i'll tell you why in a minute) her enthusiasm deflates. why? not because she's a racist, but because she know her boss is. she hints to him that she knows this but doesn't know how to tell him. Trainer -- you can give him some flavor too. maybe he knows the kid will never make it, but is taking his money anyway. b/c that's what people do at sports clinics. they know, but they need the money. it's their job. maybe later he feels guilty or maybe not. or maybe he keeps trying to tell Sam that it'll never happen and Sam can't hear that right now. Maybe Sam doesn't show he's in pain to the Trainer. maybe he over-exerts himself and then after practice he's so much in pain that he can hardly walk. there is more incentive for him to steal something from a drugstore that way. SASHA -- try stepping into her shoes. what does she really think about the man who is the father of her baby and may not be a good provider? is she really that supportive of him spending money on a trainer when she knows he's too much in pain to be a pro player? is she pretending to be supportive and then crying on the inside? does she work? maybe she has a job that she can do at home. maybe she does a secret job... phone sex or something that she can't tell him... that she's too afraid to tell him because she's desperate too. LUKE -- what?! i didn't get a sense of who this character was at all. i was thinking he should be a successful drug dealer and trying to entice Sam into the business... because after all, he's got it all!!! okay -- get working on your rewrite. i've uploaded a short too BREACH OF CONFIDENCE. it's still in a state of limbo as to whether i want to keep it a short or make it a longer short or a feature. but know this -- shorts need to be INTENSE. and you'll know what i mean when you read it.

Lisa, thanks so much for taking time out to read the feedback & provide notes! I appreciate it all! Quincy/Samuel - I did read although as flawed as I am I probably didnt even realize I forgot to change. will do ASAP Luke - Was a former teammate of Sam (High School) but now is a successful business mind (Agent/Legal type). Put him in to kinda of be an opposite of Sam. though he wasnt a good athlete, he became successful, which should be motivation for Sam but is actually a hard dose of reality and a slap in the face (as a former athlete, the athlete mentality sometimes makes us feel more important or like we should he ahead of the 'average' because we are skilled) Ending - I agree 100%.I will work on this ALOT!