Hi, Debbie Makima. This sounds exciting. I think "the brutal reality of her existence" is vague though. Finding her freedom is the story goal, right? Freedom from whom?

Hi, Maurice. A young girl, kidnapped and turned into a killing machine, is torn between her desire for freedom – even if it means dying to reunite with her family – and the brutal reality of her existence, marked by betrayal and violence. As she struggles to survive, she must choose between succumbing to death or fighting to overthrow those who have broken her.

Hi, Debbie Makima. Your logline is better, but I think it's too long.

Here’s a logline template that might help: After/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes).

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: A _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion).

Loglines are one or two sentences. A one-sentence logline sounds better, and it takes less time for a producer, director, etc. to read it. Try to keep your logline to 35 words or less. Long loglines can make producers, directors, etc. pass on a project.

Avoid using “must” in loglines. “Must” usually means the protagonist is forced to do whatever they need to do in the story instead of doing it willingly. You might need to use “must” in a logline though, like when the protagonist is forced by another character to do something. Using "must" to choose between two options like you did in your logline is fine.

Names in loglines are usually for biopics, well-known stories, and franchises (like MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE).

Sometimes I put the location and date that the story takes place in instead of the inciting incident if it’s a Period Piece script.

All stories don’t follow this logline template. Biopics, documentaries, and Experimental scripts might not follow the template. The series logline for a TV show can follow this template, but the pilot logline and episode loglines for the show might not.

Hi Maurice,

Kidnapped and turned into a killing machine, a young mercenary must confront betrayal and choose between dying to regain her freedom or fighting to destroy those who made her.

Your logline is getting better, Debbie Makima. I think "must confront betrayal" is throwing off the logline though. What's the story goal/what is she doing for most of the story? The people who turned her into a killing machine send her on missions?

Kidnapped and turned into a killing machine, a young girl, betrayed by those she tried to spare, becomes the target of the organization that trained her and must choose between dying for freedom or fighting to destroy them.

I don't think you need "betrayed by those she tried to spare" in your logline, Debbie Makima. Maybe save that for the synopsis or pitch.

Here are two logline suggestions:

Kidnapped and turned into a killing machine, a young girl fights to survive against the organization that trained her, ultimately choosing between dying to regain her freedom or destroying them.

Kidnapped and turned into a killing machine, a young girl fights to survive against the organization that trained her.

Hi Maurice,

Thank you for the feedback! I think the first version works best:

"Kidnapped and turned into a killing machine, a young girl fights to survive against the organization that trained her, ultimately choosing between dying to regain her freedom or destroying them."

It captures the emotional depth of the character’s dilemma and really highlights the stakes of the story.

What do you think?

You're welcome, Debbie Makima. I like the first version better and I agree, it captures the emotional depth of the character’s dilemma and really highlights the stakes.