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POOR ON'RY PEOPLE
By Jan Dalby

GENRE: Family, Drama
LOGLINE:

When a PTSD soldier recovers an Asperger’s boy’s toy car tossed away in anger by his dad, he recruits the boy’s sister and a pretty coworker to get it back to the boy for Christmas.


SYNOPSIS:

Discharged soldier Gary whose buddy was killed in Afghanistan, has PTSD, comforted mainly by his widowed mom. Young teen neighbor Stevie loves his toy Corvette, a link to reality for his autism. When Stevie’s angry dad Dave tosses Stevie’s toy into the back yard fence, Gary recovers it and enlists Stevie’s sister, home from college for Christmas break, to work on Dave so Gary can return the toy. Gary, who works at a grocery store, shares his dilemma with Linda, a cashier there. Gary devises a plan to ask Dave, the top mechanic in a service department, to help revive Gary’s deceased dad’s stored car to drive with veterans in a holiday parade. Gary wants to return Stevie’s toy car then for Dave to wrap and return to Stevie for Christmas. But after a drama in Stevie’s family and an accident with Stevie’s brother, that plan goes awry until Linda helps. But when Gary shows Dave the toy car and explains how Gary and Stevie both suffer from “rewired” brains, Dave changes the subject and moves on. But Dave mulls it over, has a change of heart, and returns the next day to tow the car to his dealership to get it ready. Things seem okay except for returning the toy car. Gary attends his mom’s pre-Christmas service choir practice and Dave appears to hear Linda, the choir soloist, sing “I Wonder as I Wander” that has lyrics “How Jesus the Savior did come for to die, for poor on-ry people like you and like I.” Then Linda takes over, recruits Stevie’s sister, and on parade day, though Gary doesn’t know it, Dave shows up in his dad’s car, a Corvette, with Stevie riding shotgun waving his toy car about. Through it all Gary and Linda become close friends.

POOR ON'RY PEOPLE

View screenplay
Maurice Vaughan

You have the set up, Jan Dalby ("When a PTSD soldier crosses paths with an Asperger’s boy"), but I think "a Christmas miracle could happen" is vague. I suggest changing "a Christmas miracle could happen" to the story goal, the obstacles, and the stakes. Sometimes the obstacles will be part of the story goal.

Sometime like: "When a PTSD soldier crosses paths with an Asperger’s boy, the __________ (protagonist - the soldier or the boy) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. __________ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes)."

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